My queerness is so unacceptable that it must be kept out of conscious awareness and cannot be integrated into the public persona. My mother makes sure to remind me every single day how much of a bad sheep I am.😢
This was all after I clawed my way out of the bottomless pit,’ the famous closet.’
Consequently, I had to keep my shit in my purse all the time,
fear of being a disappointment to my family, being called names demonic or disgusting 😭
My feelings I would dissociate from the self and keep them hidden from others. This was so draining at times; I would forget who I am. I felt like I was driving in the wrong direction, but I couldn’t stop, fear of being a curse in my own home
Till the day I couldn’t take it anymore
Keep your shit in check, a deep voice whispered to the queen in me,
The very moment I tried to free myself from this bottomless pit I was calling my safe space,
Keep your shit in check they screamed again to the distorted reflection in my small broken bathroom mirror
She felt soo vicious, and nothing could control her from ripping off the chains which were straining her in the bottomless pit and claiming her freedom
As soon as she took control and exposed herself to my mother, only did I realize I had come out,
to my own mother, the last person I never thought would be the first to witness the queen in me take charge of her own crown
I stood there in front of mother, frozen like the statue of liberty 🗽 for a minute. I thought my soul had left my body. It’s Thick Here
Coming out felt like I had confessed a sin, the fear of being burnt in my own hell
Coming out felt like my skin had been carved off my bones in front of the whole world to see,
Never have I ever felt naked like that,
The screaming voices had now bombarded my head again
So loud I couldn’t even hear my mother’s disappointed, angry voice.
There was deafening silence, I could feel her heart break into a million pieces
My eyes leaked uncontrollable acid that was burning the sides of my face as they flowed down to my mouth as if to quench the sudden dryness in my throat
involuntarily my muscles moved my feet, and it was like the demons they talked about had finally taken control over my body,
Into the hall of shame they carried my living corpse, the distance between my room and the kitchen where I spilled out my disgusting guts seemed to belong as river Nile
It’s Thick Here
But the strong queen in me managed to drag my body to that one place I always felt safe in
My only transgression was being born different. If only wishes were horses, I would ride mine back in time and would have convinced the queen in me to be a little bit patient, just maybe…
I feel the raw emotions in this, it's so unfortunate society and especially those dear to us fail to see our pain and understand our struggle, you are a Queen, for having the courage to give voice to who you really are, you are a warrior, I stan!
ReplyDeleteI want more, the blogs are a tease, leaves me with so many questions and raw emotions ... Truth of the matter is only a real queen would have the guts to come out, most people die with their secrets while others live on without understanding or exploring the "queer" desires they possess.
Wow this is the true life of a Zimbabwean LGBTQIA, coming out seems so impossible and you have to live a fake, unhappy life because of the fear of being estranged to family.
ReplyDeleteI know what it is like, the pain the denial, the frustration, the depression that one goes through, but they are more better things to worry about than human sexuality, like after all its a Bedroom issue, my dick my life my desires my life, so choose to focus on the positive despite your sexuality
ReplyDeleteEmotional roller coaster, loved the last paragraph ������
ReplyDeleteI felt this.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing you needed was your mother's arms around you telling you all will be OK. I just cried for 💔.
Zimbabwe is not open to LGBT people but as a new generation, its vital we take time to learn and accept.
The acceptance of a parent goes a long way.
A LOT of LGBT people are hiding, living a half life, scared. It's not right. And we wonder why there are suicides.
Thank you kween for being a role model for someone who is trying to break free ❤️
��Still catching up...and damnnnn girlllll!�� The courage you have is unmatched����
ReplyDeleteAlways a good read��