Childhood trauma

 

Who are you to try and correct what God created?
Who gave you the right?

Our lives and behaviors are shaped by our past experiences
Trauma has a great impact on our lives
Revisiting your past traumatic experiences can help unload the burden over shadowing your life.
But this is never always the case,
Burying your past and never talking about it sometimes can help you cope way better.
Let me define what trauma is.

Trauma is
How they pinned her down, when she was a child.
How they robbed her farm and took everything
The way they started a fire in her forest,
And let it burn, to the satisfaction of their wicked souls.
But who was she to know at that age that she had the power to say no.
I mean they didn't give any power because she was queer
They felt threatened,
Threatened because she challenged the backwardness of their cultural ideas.
Trauma is the way they broke her water village only to leave a desert,
Polluted with their remains.
All in the name of trying to correct whats "wrong with her".
Revisiting that trauma is asking her to uncover
Their footprints which are permanently carved onto her body and still haunt her forest.
The scars they left are like tattoos on her dark skin.
Was it her fault to be different from the rest of girls?
Did her queerness give them consent?
But then again, i asked her to explain what is trauma.

She looked at me, eyes flooded with what seemed to be tears
But it was something else
like acid because as they involuntarily rolled on her cheeks
It was like they were burning the sheets which were covering the box of memories from that night
She looked at me and explained
Trauma is,
Living through a situation
Where her body and her mind were not her own.
"I felt disjointed", she said.
"Ripped
From myself , safety and sanity.
It was a moment,
an experience,
A something where my trust was smashed,
My worth was gone and all there was, was pain.
They forced themselves on me,
I wish it ended that day, but that was only the beginning"

All in the name of correcting,
Correcting what they think is "wrong with her" 
But looking at it closely it should be the other way round cause clearly ignorance is something polluting their dried up brains.
She was forced to bury those days, so deep down that she couldn't remember them,
Only till she goes to bed and start reliving the moment like she is in a 3d movie.
We are all slaves of our past,
Aren't we?
Imagine having to be captive of such an event, resurfacing in your mind and taking control over your body,
Everytime it gets the chance.

'Revisiting your past traumatic experiences can help you unload the burden 'They say
But, i doubt it
Trauma is just something that, you make peace with.
I would rather
Serve it, like its my master
Than having to knife my wounds again,
Like how she was neatly cutting through her own skin with every word
Making me regret why i had asked the question.
Having to live a situation and having to imagine how she might have felt being taken advantage.

I had a clear understanding of what trauma is,
Trauma is like cancer
I would rather let it feast on me,
Than talk about how it is thick here,
Leaving a life
A life with hypocrites quoting bible verses everytime
But still go on to violate us, all in the name of "fixing us".
Trauma is how,
They are making us feel like we are careless with that one thing we own.

Childhood trauma is like a shadow that will always follow you around wherever you go.
And i lived through,
As she slowly stripped off her skin to reveal the psychological scars they left all over her,
All in the name of correcting "what is wrong" 

Sunken Place

 

If you were locked in a car boot for years you’d have never survived. You’d be screaming hoping someone hears you and frees you. The moment that you are set free that claustrophobia disappears, you inhale deeply in relief because you almost lost that little glimpse of hope. 

Imagine being born in a closet you can’t get out of, feeling sadness you can never explain because your actions should match your gender. Feeling Stifled in your skin and suffocated in your body. With organs you never asked for but can’t replace, “feeling like a girl in a mans body” how do you explain that to traditional orthodox adults who painted my room blue when I like pink, who bought suits when I wanted a tutu… I have always been in the sunken place, watching my body live the life I despise, self medicating and day dreaming about fendi and Prada… Before my grand exist, just as I was about to lose that glimpse I heard a soothing voice I heard “BRING BACK MY GIRLS” watching drag race gave me that hope, that glimpse shined bright it was evident even in the way I started seeing life. Unfortunately the glimpse was stolen when I self medicated right into a grand exist that left me without even one pair of red bottoms I used to dream about… Though I may not be there to see it, I’m the words of Momma Ru “If you can’t love yourself how the hell you going to love someone else” be fabulous every chance you get.

©️ NANA

Dear Members Of Marginalized Communities.

‘We only live once’ is a common statement amongst not only my age mates, but for generations before and after me.

Let's just say, 

most people in their lifetime have uttered these words at least once.

But do we? 

Because ostensibly, you lot act like we don’t.

When you sit down and dictate to us how to walk, how to speak, who to eat the fruit of Eden with...

Are we supposed to STILL live our lives ‘once’ like the familiar saying after that?

Oh, sorry, that wasn’t a question.

We are all born naked ‘and by naked, I don’t mean literally,’ and the rest is storytelling.

One can only tell their story once, and ‘once’ it is.

In Dr. Mandla Lamba’s words, ‘ You are not born the day your mother pushes you through the birth canal. You are born the day you discover who you really are, why you came, and what you are able to do.’

Many of us here are still fetuses, ‘and this time, I mean it in the literal sense.

Fetuses because we are stuck in the wombs of selfish bigots.

Bigots hindering our birth.

How can we be born?

To be honest, I don’t know where this is even going but,

ALL I KNOW IS, I AM ANGRY!

I am angry , and I will forever be angry at bigots!

I am, however, angrier at members of marginalized communities.

The enemy is the system, patriarchy!

Instead of dictating amongst each other who can be a ‘woman’ and who can not be a ‘woman,’

We only live ‘once’ remember!

Yes ‘trans-women’ may or may not suffer the same struggles as cisgender women but,

THEY STILL STRUGGLE under the hands of patriarchy.

Let us desist from hindering other people's births.

Denial of humanity is the least I will ever expect from you, members of marginalized communities.

Trans women are women 

 

Its THICK here : i am drowning

 _Its THICK here : I am drowning_ 

My life was never my own

Controlled by forces out of my control

Society telling me how to act, religion a shadowy silhouette over my life. 

What did i do to them, why am i always their target?

I break down and cry

So many tears, so much hate.

I am suffocating. 

I yell why me, why me, please tell me

All I hear is silence and the lightly blowing wind.

I dream of a place high and far away

A place where peace lives

Where their hate cannot touch me.

Tired of this life, death I embrace.

Being queer is soo expensive, this is how much it has costed me. 

Evil you think me

Righteous you think of you

You speak as though you have lived my tribulations. 

Telling me i chose to be different, as if you chose being straight. 

Weak you think of me, stronger you think of you

If you walked in my shoes for a day, maybe you would see 

I am not weak, I am stronger than you.

I embrace the darkness 

Hunger for the feel of death's kiss

Knowing peace will soon be mine at last.

You on the other hand, cry and mourn in self pity and fear

When your death is advancing near, soon to come to pass.

My only fear the only one, can God forgive me can he understand? 

I do not wish to disobey him and commit mortal sin

I hope He can understand this pain this sadness of this life 

It's just to much for me to live.

Years of pain, millions of tears

One weight to many on my shoulders to bear

I am ready to pass over to whatever place lies beyond

Darkness envelopes me, my body still and so very cold

From above I see myself, I smile

I say rest is now mine, pain is no more. 

Its THICK here

Self Portrait As A Blue Boy

when my father's conditional love falls 

on my shoulder, digging it's ‘religious’ systematic claws

into my collarbone; demanding

sacrifice in return for his

acknowledgement

of my

existence;

my worthiness 

I learn to receive his broken

version of what love is

without protest.

_paint me as I am, eager to please_

_settle into the orbs of my deep_

_unhappy eyes with ease paint me perfect, ready to be wanted_

_to be loved, paint me light and visible against a wall._

when my mother's backhand strikes against my cheek 

her judgements grow palms to hit me against the wall 

as her anger cools down to simmer

her fingertips 

slide down the

curvature of my spine

searching for forgiveness 

she, a battlefield of a woman

she fights everything she doesn't know

I learn to hide aspects of myself she has no desire to learn how to love.

_paint me as I am, without complaint_

_kinetic energy without equilibrium_

_a fixed star collapsing in on itself_

_paint me staring at stellar remnants_

_add figure; less interest, skin_

_colour in some endurance in my cheeks._

when my family's anger and hand-me-down trauma 

comes over for lunch or dinner

makes itself

a guest in our spaces

and cusses out

whilst throwing Bible verses

tells me I've failed

at loving properly?

I learn to cry without

really crying

at all.

_paint me as I am_ 

_a body soaked in victimhood_

_like a holy bath_

_baptized_

_smell it on these tattered limbs_

_on my crumbling bones_

_blood stained on my hands deep your brush into a jar of feelings_

_an etymology_

_of events linked by meaning,_

_in a chain of cruelties which make up the man,_

_The What & the When_

_Of who I am -_

_The portrait of a blue boy._

©️ Prince Rayanne Chidzvondo

Dear Black Queens

 Dear  Queens

Dear black Queens, this letter serves to remind you who you really are.
Have you ever thought for a second,
Who you really are?
Like, have you ever wondered that you could be whatever you want?
This is my hymn to every Queen yearning to be heard
I can hardly understand half the things you go through.
But this is a little reminder to every girl of color who has forgotten who they are,
Wear your crown, with pride!

Hey, Queen, do you know
As you walk, you are like lighting,
Getting all the attention as you came with thunder.
Your skin is like coffee, some with all bit drop of Caramel milk.
You don't have to add more milk to your coffee to look beautiful.
Your body is like a weapon
A weapon shaped for destruction.
It comes in every shape,
But each for the same purpose.
As you walk, show confidence in your armory
Walk like you know you're worth,
Walk knowing you can explode any minute.

Dear black queen
Your makeup is like a sword... 
A sword to slay in every space you get in.
Every shade of makeup, for perfection
Not for men to serve their egos,
But for your own perfection.
Your hairstyle is like a crown,
A sign to show that you are a queen,
A true black African queen.
There is nothing western about looking royalty.
You are the prettiest person in the room, even without showing up.
Even without trying,
You turn heads as you walk.
Don't let them tell you otherwise.

They have tried by all means to pin you down,
But still, you rise, like the morning sun you drip your golden rays as they illuminate every space.
Just showing up
you would have fought battles,
Battles no other man can barely understand,
Own that.
It's never easy to have your whole future already planned for you.
Society has degraded you, to be nothing but wives and child bearers.
They have ignored your sexuality.
Society has silenced your voice,
But again, you never rest.
Keep fighting to be heard.

Dear black queen
They make you show up to a gunfight with knives
But still you show up with a big smile,
To a competition with men who have already won the race without even starting.
Everything about you comes after the "man," 
There is nothing of you that can be identified without mentioning a "man,"
But yet you are doing better than them.
Already you are doing a bachelor's degree meant for men
But yet you still beating them at their own game.
Your presence threaten their existence,
That's why they always try to have you under them.
There is no men without women,
Never forget that.

In this patriarchal society,
How do you manage to make appearances all the time ,
And act as if everything is okay?
Your attention goes unnoticed and unappreciated.
You are the creator of the whole country
But yet, you remain under the slavery of patriarchy.

Dear black Queen,
You are worthy of every single moment of this life.
Walk like this earth is your own bedroom.
This is a Shout out to every girl of color out there
Trying to make it work.
Shout to every woman fighting a battle they never talk about
But manage to show up,
And beat these men at their own game.
Shout out to every transwoman out there,
I might not understand half of the struggles you go through
But I see you,
Trying to get a table in this cruel world
Fighting for your existence in this shallow society, 
I love you too, I just wish everyone could just see you through
You are the Queens.
This is a shout out to every girl of color who identifies as LGBTQIA+,
You are a prisoner in this skin,
Captive in that body,
And jailed in this society
But you choose not to give up,
you keep moving
hoping just maybe you will be free,
I respect you, queens.
Keep pushing forward. Brighter days are coming.

Dear black Queen
We are here for you,
keep moving,
Keep showing up every single day.
Make some noise,
Cause destruction till you are heard.
African women, black child you are more than what you think
United, you are stronger than these men.
Shake their peace, cause a scene,
Till they feel your presence .
Never rest, let's keep fighting till you have your own voice.

Dear black queen
Learn what you can,
Never rest to be what you can be
Work harder,
For tomorrow this place will be what you wish it to be.

From yours reminder
ArchieTheTherapist

CULTURE AND CHRISTIANITY INTERNALISED HOMOPHOBIA

 

Religion made me think i am an abomination
Culture had me thinking i am a taboo
Hate disguised as religion is still hate.
Hate masqueraded as culture is ignorance
And there is a thin line between the two.

Act like a boy!
Boys don't cry!
Thats how it all starts
They plant a seed of hate and toxicity in you,
As you grow up
They try by all means to nature it into a plant,
Or even a whole forest
Religion will tell you, its demonic
Whilst culture will be creating a closet for you.
Imagine a demon in a closet all by itself.
Its really thick to be african and queer,
As you grow up
You unconsciously absorb the poison being thrown at you.
Culture and religion are partners of self destruction.

Religion has been nothin but a disguise of hate.
They say being gay is against the Bible,
but is hate allowed?
Hypocrisy is their gospel,
Christianity weaponized the bible against the marginalized.
Homophobia is not fear of gay people, but its just hate to some extent ignorance.

Culture made me think
Being less masculine makes you less of a man.
Who the fuck,
Made you the judge of the world.
Who the fuck,
Told y'all that there are only two genders.
You say its un-african, not in our culture
But y'all go to foreign churches
Abounding your ancestors to things you clearly have no idea about.
So who are you,
To tell me i want to be white?
Internalized homophobia drove alot of people into their graves but yet still,
You choose to ignore the fact that you are responsible
And blame it on queerness.

Self hate is contributed by the outside environment.
Culture has distorted my image.
Looking into the mirror, i see a monster staring back at me.
Religion has made me see demons when I look into the mirror.
I hate my self,everytime i wanna end me
They have driven me into heterosexual relationships,
i am a slave in my own life.
We make our own rules, we are the society,
Are we?

You claim you are now educated than our fore fathers
But yet still you are a spitting image of their backward society.
Your graduation cap is nothing
But a tombstone decorating on our ancestors teachings.
You say you don't want the white supremacy ,
But yet their religion governs you,
You need to calm down.

Some people are never born homophobic
But the garden of poison ivy was  natured in them so perfectly its now a farm.
Its so sad how some people never have the choice to be who they want,
How they claim to have freedom
But yet they are a shadow of their ignorant society.
Its never their fault to be displaying disgustings behaviors towards other human beings.
Its so sad how our society is giving children the freedom.
Freedom to peel off their skin infront of everyone and not be ashamed.
Ashamed of shouting words of hate with confidence,
Not being embarrassed of exposing their backward, disgusting behavior in front of the world.
But to some extent its a display of how,
It is really 'thick here'.

Let's stop clinging to the ignorant teachings, instilled by people we don't even know.
Let's teach our kids acceptance,
Whats wrong with teaching tolerance?
We are the society, we make our own culture,
Whats wrong with being the future we want to see?
You talk about Jesus
Jesus was about love, where are y'all getting the hate?

If your Christianity is teaching you hate,
I would choose the religion of love, were we preach acceptance and love over everything.
If your culture is based on ignorance,
I would rather be cultureless than driving someone's child into their psychological grave And having innocent blood on my hands.

This is Pride month anthem!Be the change you want to see.

An ‘Ally’ Is A Verb Not A Noun!

 I am told some of you call themselves ‘Allies’.

Friends of the Alphabet gang.

Or should I just call you fiends? Devils in sheep's skins!

And sorry, I’m not Willy Wonka, so I won't sugarcoat it for you.

You call yourselves ‘pals’ of the community.

As if that is not enough, you even call yourselves LGBTQ “advocates, activists, protectors”...

But are you really? 

Or you are just lying snakes in the grass,

Doing whatever it takes for a seat at the table were “liberals” wine and dine.

You hypocrites!

From what do you derive the power to call yourself ‘allies’ of a group of people you barely know or understand?

How much queer content have you voluntarily exposed yourself to? 

You ask lesbians who the ‘man’ in their relationship is, as if its some Samson and Delilah conundrum. Why do you do that?

There is no ‘husband’ in lesbian relationships! 

There is no ‘wife’ in gay relationships!

You have the effrontery to pose daft questions like “so who cooks,” “who pays the bills”...

What nonsense is that?

Tell me again how exactly you are our ‘friends’ ?

All I’m trying to say is detox from patriarchy!

Stop heterosexualising queer relationships

 If you read a little and engage more queer people, you might eventually morph into the ‘allies’ you purport to be.

Being an ‘ally’ compels more than just saying it. 

Talk is cheap!