It’s Thick Here; “ finding out about my sexuality”

Depressed? Stressed to the point that I can't rest? 

 it's just thick here 

Sitting all alone yet feeling kinda pressed. 

Squeezing on my brain, 

Speeding the beating in my chest

Softly it beckons me, that cavernous emptiness. 

Finding out my heart beats the very second I see a tall, dark man has made me hate myself

I have friends, a good family, but yet still, I feel like I chose to be a prisoner of my sexuality 

Some part of me has been ripped from me

I feel different; society has made me feel like I am a weak version of a man, 

My mind is not occupied hence why these thoughts invaded my head, I say to myself, 

But yet  its soo real every day is a scare

I can't talk to anyone about it cause I might be a victim of their hate 

But it eats me soo good, tempting me soo terrible I cannot resist. 

Guilty eats me up, rips my guts inside and out every time I find myself lost in my queer thoughts 

I want to feel anything to escape from this feeling 

But, still, I run to emptiness and find myself feasting on my queer Desires

Is this how loneliness feels? , 

I can't explain it cause I have everything a person could ask for

But yet I am still here. 

I drove everyone away, It happened before, but now I know why. 

Every night and day, my head has become a battlefield for my demons 

Feelings of which I can't make sense, 

It holds me hostage, makes my body tense. 

It's really thick here 

I Can't breathe, won't breathe, or perhaps I've forgotten

I try and wrestle free, the part of me that's become rotten. 

Like a cancer revolting against its host

turning me away from what I like most

Scared to expose myself 

I've driven away from

Friends, hobbies, food, you could say they don't exist.

In this state of mind, they surely won't be missed. 

Craving nothing at all but nothingness, 

For in this vacuum, there isn't a thing but these feelings I try to running away from

Irony being, not of wanting to be alone deep in thought

Leaving me, more than anything, feeling quite distraught. 

Feelings that can't be explained

Yet they drown me. 

Feelings that can't explain themselves to me, yet they feel soo good, it hurts.

Am I depressed, stressed? 

it's just Thick here

A question that keeps dancing to the tune of the screams in my head. 

Ever since I've known who I am its all smiles

 but yet deep down its a dark, scary castle for me 

I've managed to keep hold of myself, but I am just a walking disaster waiting to erupt.