HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE

 

"Sissy," they called me,
"King of sodom" they chanted
These were the names that made my high school life a traumatic place

"It's just a phase, it will pass"
I always said to myself
And for a minute there, I thought it was true.
I was holding on to the false hope, that maybe one day i will be 'normal'
But in every other way,
Deep down i knew it was a lie.
Today you ask me
What self torture feels like.
I think, then tell you
That it was sort of like
Slowly clicking up a roller coaster hill,
Waiting and waiting to peak,
But never reaching the top

Noone was there to ask
It was just me and the queen i tried to pin down in my head.
Being sent to a boarding school was one of my worst nightmares
I felt abondoned, unwanted
"Who was i going to tell about
the things that wear me down, break me down and sometimes have me down?...
When it all bears down claws deep into my mental crown like i am wearing a thorn crown but i aint Jesus",
No one .
I had no option but to conform to their ideal of normalness.

Its thick here,
If only i was able to tell someone maybe it would have made sense
Once again and scream about
How I wish I could change my body.

Do you really want to know how thick it was?
Sissy! They chanted
Disgusting, you would hear them whisper in the hostel everytime i passed.
Imagine having to wait for everyone to finish bathing, so that you can wash yourself.
They pushed me so hard i had to hide who i was
I felt like a disinterested corpse
Skillfully stowed in the shell of my body.

But then, my own parents sent me away because they thought maybe being around other boys would make me 'normal'.
It made me feel like something was wrong with me,
Who would ever love me, and who could stay?
Rhetoric questions that are still tattoed at the back of my mind.

Nobody was there to ask
How it felt like waking up to the same facade that had been clowned, drowned in my own art of deception
The misconceptions of my time,
That made me frown upon those who were also victims of the same hate, just for me to fit in.
Projection, was the only escape i had mastered.

My skies were dark and my days were grey,
i had a small rainbow light in me
but it was dim
'cause ITS THICK HERE.